The
Washington Post Magazine
January 16, 2000
Edited by David Rowell
©
Bill Donahue
HIS
STEAMER TRUNK WAS PACKED, his white sailing slacks pressed. He was
going off to fight the Great War, and as the train rattled east
toward Pelham Bay in New York City, where he would begin classes
at the Navy's Officer Material School, my grandfather traveled in
torment. "All those long, dark hours across that green landscape,"
he lamented in a letter written later that evening (June 12, 1917)
to Elizabeth Holliday, a St. Louis debutante, "and I composed
mentally a thousand letters to you, the wordings of which now desert
me, utterly. For what I am going to say probably is inexcusable.
Betty, you are the first girl that I've ever cared for. Do you know
how it feels to be idealized?"
If
she didn't then, she surely would two years later. From 1917 to
1919 my grandfather, working aboard cargo ships that churned through
ice on the Great Lakes and dodged torpedoes on the Atlantic, wrote
Betty Holliday more than 40 letters. And these were not quick how-de-dos
or insipid dispatches of gossip. No, John Jerome Finlay, who was
23 in 1917, was an aspiring novelist who regarded himself, a la
F. Scott Fitzgerald, in grandiose terms. He owned a velvet-collared
naval cape, for which he shelled out a small slice of his family's
oil fortune, and an etched naval sword, and he wrote every one of
his missives on fine linen letterhead, in a firm hand that favored
curlicue pen strokes over cross-outs, proclamation over hesitancy.
"These letters," he declared on May 27, 1918, "have
been written in snow-covered tents and in the Biltmore and up in
a smelly forecastle. They are milestones along the road of a young
man's spiritual growth. Don't ever lose them, Betty. Some day when
this war is over, some glorious autumn day, I'm coming back to St.
Louis and you will get them out and you and I will drive out to
some high hill and laugh and talk and dream."
That
glorious day, alas, never came. Betty broke off the courtship late
in 1918 — amicably, it seems. She let my grandfather keep all the
correspondence, both his long letters and her chipper notes, and
he brought all of these missives with him in a whiskey crate to
Evanston, Ill., where he lived with my grandmother after their marriage
in 1928. He kept them after that union ended in a bitter divorce
a decade later, and he did not throw them out when, as a bald, stoop-backed
old man — a retired writer of advertisements — he spent his last
years judiciously sifting through his personal papers, honing them
down to a concise library that would deliver to posterity John Jerome
Finlay's life story as he, himself, wanted it told.
My
mother, who is a writer of history books, had no choice but to preserve
her father's letters in our Connecticut basement. And so last Christmas,
27 years after my grandfather's death, the whiskey crate was still
there. I brought it home with me on the plane, and now it sits in
my closet.
ANDREW
CARROLL CONSIDERS me lucky. Carroll, 30, is the curator of a small
exhibit that runs through April at the National Postal Museum. "Missing
You: Last Letters From World War II" showcases the spare and
wrenching works of soldiers who wrote just before dying. In a 1944
letter an Army private tells his mother, "I still count on
your tucking me into bed when I get home." A 1945 postcard
written from a Japanese POW ship is even more heartbreaking: "Dear
Mom and Dad, I guess you can tell Patty that fate just didn't want
us to be together."
Carroll
has gathered more than 15,000 war missives for a forthcoming anthology.
Among his collection is an American Revolutionary War soldier's
plea for more blankets; an e-mail in which a female lieutenant attaches,
for her parents, a digital photo of a Serbian massacre site; and
an eyewitness account of a Civil War soldier being executed for
desertion.
Carroll
chose to focus the Postal Museum exhibit on World War II because,
he says, "a thousand World War II veterans are now dying every
day in America. There's a great urgency to honor them, and the best
way to do that is by reading their letters. Letters bring history
to life. You hold a letter, and you are holding the same piece of
paper that the soldier held in a foxhole or in the back of a Jeep.
You learn that war involves individuals, people with parents and
siblings and wives back home, and you see — people that go to this
exhibit will see — that war is the most vicious experience we can
endure."
I share
Carroll's pacifist sentiments, no doubt, but as I read my grandfather's
letters, I am not struck by the horror of war. I am instead enchanted
by a kindred spirit, a writer who reaches me across a chasm of time.
I never
really knew my grandfather. He died when I was just 6, and I remember
him mainly as cantankerous and apt to bellow threats at my sister
and me if we got too crazy while playing on the electric-powered
hospital bed he slept in at his retirement home. There was little
about him that suggested the early romantic, and it certainly wasn't
he who led me to savor good writing. My mother did that. She typed
in the kitchen, grinning whenever she turned a good phrase on her
manual Royal, and often she recited snippets of poetry. Once, when
I came home from school with dirt on my face, she read e.e. cummings's
great lines about spring: "when the world is mud-luscious."
My mother also organized my sock drawer and sponged the crumbs off
the kitchen counter, though, so when I was in college and rooting
about for some stirring proof that I had prose in my blood, I did
not look to her. I looked instead for myth, for some whiff of ancestral
greatness. I descended the stairs into the basement.
There
were whole files of my grandfather's letters-to-the-editor down
there, and crumbling envelopes filled with short stories and rejection
slips, and diaries and advertisements, and a thin stack of letters
from various luminaries who wrote back to my granddad — Alfred
Hitchcock, Eleanor Roosevelt and Peace Corps chief Sargent Shriver,
a personal friend who, in six handwritten pages, confided that he
shared my grandfather's zeal for Roman Catholicism.
Such
discoveries were heartening, but still my grandfather's writings
left me somewhat unhappy. I could taste his divorce in their swagger
and bite (did he really have to speak of "nailing the lid"
on Nelson Rockefeller's "political coffin"?), and I can
hear his lonely fanaticism in their ardor. "The Vatican and
the White House!" he wrote Time Magazine in 1941."There's
a combination that can clear the world's path of evil."
The
war letters I found last Christmas are different. Life had not yet
encrusted Jack Finlay, and his prose, even at its most clichéd,
delivers a fine sense of wonder. It reads like lyrics sung from
a wide-open heart. "Out on the deck," he wrote from a
swaying ship off Virginia on April 9, 1918, "it is perfectly
marvelous — if you don't mind wading against occasional rushes
of water about two feet deep. And the nights are wonderful with
a great big moon, a phosphorous sea and millions of stars and two
or three of us in summer uniforms sipping something cool."
The script in this letter is jagged, jarred by the waves, and on
the third page there are a few water-splotched words. I inhaled
their smell the other day, hoping for some scent of salt, and then
I kept reading.
MY
GRANDFATHER MET BETTY at a country club in St. Louis, in June 1915,
when the night sky just happened to be "a halo field bathed
in the moon's radiance." A fox trot, "The Murray Walk,"
wafted through the warm evening, and I imagine it buoying them along,
lilting them over a vast floor of parquet. There followed a private
moment — a shared cigarette on the patio, perhaps, his knuckles
grazing her fingertips with the transfer of smoke — and then they
whirled away, separately, that evening, toward other delights. My
grandfather and Betty may have shared a few dinners and cocktails
over the subsequent months but they never lingered needfully with
each other or made any vows — I am sure of that.
The
letters make clear that Betty Holliday was no waiting Penelope,
and that my grandfather saw too much splendor in the female form
to be ploddingly loyal. "Who said war is hell?" he once
asked Betty, in a booze-inspired scrawl written from shore. "In
a moment, we are dining with two of the most wonderful looking girls."
He
thought Betty was lovely as well, but he probably never even kissed
her. Early in the correspondence, he apologizes for an "unreciprocated
kindness," a "rather unexpected action on the balcony"
and later he dreamed of "kissing you, lightly."
Whether
it happened or not matters little, though, for Betty seemed far
more romantic than any lover ever could be. She was my grandfather's
muse. "You are my only sympathetic listener," he wrote
her once. "Dear Jack," she responded, before rushing off
to a dinner party, say, or a Junior League ball. "The `line'
you sent was a whizz — the best I've read. I wasn't feeling very
high at the time and it raised me up quite a lot."
It
was all the encouragement my grandfather needed. In serial form,
he delivered Betty his life story. After two years in advertising,
he quit his job in 1915 to answer what he sonorously described as
"the call to active service." Then, after three months
of training, he and 60 other members of the Navy Auxiliary Reserve
steamed out of Chicago onto Lake Michigan for their inaugural run.
The USS Gopher, on which he served as a navigator, carried iron
ore mined in Minnesota's Mesabi Range. The sailors took the raw
mineral down Lake Superior, toward Cleveland, to be shaped into
guns, tanks and ships. It was pedestrian toil. Lying in his bunk
on cold Midwestern nights, my grandfather longed to become one with
the war's greater theatrics. "I haven't been under fire yet,"
he wrote in October 1917, "but I hope to Heaven I will be.
I'm in this war to see action — the more, the merrier." A
few days later they went back to Duluth for more ore.
Luckily,
he had the gift of finding drama in everyday life. "Picture
me shaving in the misty dawn," he wrote Betty once, "a
steel mirror hung on a fence post, a blade of grass stuck in the
soap." When he had to stand watch on the ship's bridge in the
fog, he recounted his labors thusly: "Hours without end we
stood, three of us always, trying to pierce the blank curtain that
rolled ahead of us." And when at last he hit the ocean and
glimpsed some real danger, in the form of 125 mph winds off Cape
Hatteras, his voice rose in a Conradian crescendo. "With each
fresh impact against the waves," he wrote, "the ship vibrates
from stem to stern, her rotten timbers creak, snap, groan. With
every rush of water, little rivulets descend from the deck to mingle
on the ward room floor with dirt, linoleum, newspaper. A single
oil lamp swings drunkenly in its gimbals."
Betty's
response: "I can hardly picture that wonderful, well-groomed
officer in the photo you sent being tossed to and fro like a piece
of driftwood and covered with grease and oil and a lot of other
horrible things!"
Her
letters reached him on the muddy streets of shipyards, in dingy
mess halls and at the front desks of nowhere hotels. He read one
letter standing in line at a canteen feeling "so cold and shivery
I could hardly keep the paper still." He reread another four
times. He begged her to write longer, to be more descriptive, and
he celebrated their fleeting wartime encounters as almost holy.
"There was a glimpse of Eden," he wrote after one evening
of merriment in St. Louis, "and then a sudden withdrawal."
To
Europe. My grandfather embarked on his first — and only — journey
across the Atlantic in May 1918. Then he spent the summer in France
where, mysteriously, he and his mates were exiled from mail reception.
Her letters stopped coming. His output meanwhile dwindled as drama
— real drama! — consumed him. He caught influenza in the epidemic
of 1918, losing 15 pounds in nine days. His ship narrowly missed
slamming an iceberg and was fired at by two German submarines so
close that the related telegraphs, which my grandfather saved in
a leather-bound scrapbook, read only "SOS! SOS SOS!" By
the time he was able to write at length, he sounded weary and vulnerable.
"I hope," he said, "to find a number of letters from
you when I return and open my bag. This not hearing from a girl
for two whole months gives me a very forgotten feeling."
I think
my grandfather hoped to find Betty waiting for him at the dock,
her arms outstretched, quivering for embrace. Ms. Holliday had her
own aspirations, though, and they involved a fellow named Hamilton.
My grandfather learned of Betty's commitment to Hamilton from a
friend in St. Louis, and the next time he wrote Betty, many months
later in February 1919, his prose limped, as though it had been
clubbed in the knees. "Betty," he said, "you deserve
a man bigger physically, more impressive personally. And I say this,
as you know, without any sour grape suspicion."
It
was his final letter. Betty Holliday quickly faded from my family
history. I have no idea what became of her, and her exit doesn't
bother me, really, except for this: My grandfather believed in her,
believed in her as a writer of fiction believes in his characters.
In Betty Holliday, he invented a woman who could share with him
in the rapture of being young and on an adventure. His words would
never conjure such magic again. And so the last note he sent before
learning of Hamilton, the note he sent Betty from Paris amid the
German onslaught of 1918, is for me the saddest and sweetest of
all his letters. "Having the time of my life," he wrote.
"Tennis, swimming, teas and dinners with charming French girls.
The beauty here is punctuated by the boom of long range shells (one
just went off in the front of the hotel), but no one seems to mind,
unless they are actually hit. Paris is heaven, absolutely! I will
try to write from the ship. As always, Jack."
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